Five Thoughts: How The Sens Can Take Inspiration from Canada Soccer

One of the biggest storylines in Canadian sport right now is the bizarre cheating scandal involving the Canadian Women's Soccer team at the Paris 2024 Olympics. After the women's team was caught spying on New Zealand's practices with a drone, it came out that both the men's and women's teams have been accused of spying on their opponents multiple times.

Now, some may say that such behaviour is “embarrassing” and “unsportsmanlike” and “why are the defending champions spying on a team that shouldn’t pose a threat to them at all?” and they'd be right, but they should consider that it's also incredibly funny. I think my cringefail hockey team could learn some lessons from them.

It’s a do-or-die year in Ottawa. Missing the playoffs is not an option, so I say they get creative. Here are 5 ways they can take inspiration from Canada Soccer and gain an advantage over their opponents.

1: Have Spartacat lurk in the rafters

What is Spartacat? A cat. And what are cats good at? Moving stealthily, climbing things, and so on. They have good hearing too. We’ve already seen Spartacat descend from the rafters during a home opener. I say we let him stay there during opposing teams’ practices. Who’s going to notice him? I'm sure he makes a lot less noise than a drone.

2: Send Josh Norris undercover as an Uber driver

Yeah, the Sens claim that Josh Norris’s shoulder will have been reconstructed in time for training camp, but how many times have we heard that? I say they put him to work as a spy. After all, he’s been injured for so long that I doubt any NHL players would recognize him at this point.

As we all know, NHL players love to complain about their defensive systems while being driven around. Josh can play the part of a kind and nonthreatening Uber driver, and learn everyone’s secrets so that he can report them back to the team.

3: Force their opponents to take OC Transpo to the arena

We all need to do what we can to address climate change, and one of the best ways to do that is to provide alternatives to driving. I personally think the Sens should find a way to prevent their opponents from driving to the Canadian Tire Centre. Set them up with a nice hotel in Ottawa’s beautiful downtown. Thankfully for the other teams, I’ve been informed that it’s perfectly reasonable to ask people to take OC Transpo to the arena in Kanata. There’s even a shuttle that goes right to the arena! It’s perfectly reliable and punctual and definitely will not cause any additional stress to visiting hockey players or make anyone miss any games.

4: Create a fake gambling account for Auston Matthews

I don't have the stats on hand, but just from personal observation, I doubt any individual player has scored as many goals against the Sens over the last couple of years as Auston Matthews has. I say we stop trying to figure out how to shut him down with "good defense," whatever that is, and think outside the box. What is Matthews advertising every time we turn on the TV? That's right, gambling. It's perfect. Frame him for gambling, and he'll be out for at least half the season.

5: Trade a player to a cap-strapped contender without disclosing that the player has a no-trade clause

Wait.

5: Just ask Kyle Dubas for confidential information

Everyone knows that Penguins GM Kyle Dubas is a lifelong Sens fan. Considering how the Leafs did under his tenure, I’m pretty confident he’s still working for the Sens. 

Has anyone tried just walking up to him and asking him for the Penguins’ plans for this season? If we get an iconic player from Dubas's youth, like, say, Alfie to do it, I can’t see how he’d say no.